Review: Kingdom of Heaven
kkkingdommmm of heeavenn!
In an effort to waste as much time as humanly possible, I watched Ridley Scott’s new film, The Kingdom of Heaven. Now, I really like Scott’s old movies, such as Blade Runner and Alien. However, I guess skill in directing sci-fi doesn’t transfer in a 1:1 ratio to directing medieval war flicks.
Kingdom of Heaven starts out with teen heartthrob Legolas (or Orlando Bloom, if you prefer) working as a lowly blacksmith, who suddenly discovers that he is the illegitimate child of some powerful nobleman (Liam Neeson. Said nobleman is off to the crusades, and Legolas joins him, ostensibly to gain some sort of forgiveness of sins by killing infidels.
In the course of their travels, Legolas’ father bites it, and Legolas reaches Jerusalem alone, where he inherits his father’s land. In the Christian- controlled Jerusalem, however, things are not well. A schism arises between the good guys (we only want peace!) and the nasty Knights Templar (kill the bastards!). In a lame twist, the head Templar becomes king of Jerusalem, and promptly leads all his knights out to be slaughtered by the Muslim leader, Saladin. Saladin continues on to siege Jerusalem, where the final conflict is resolved. In the end, Legolas goes back to his regular old blacksmith life, of course with the hot chick he picked up in Israel.
Even though I am probably the most UNcritical person when it comes to movies, I actually disliked this film. Orlando Bloom hams it up like you wouldn’t believe, and the only interesting character (Liam Neeson) dies early on. Aside from all this, the entire premise of the movie seems unrealistic. It is never explained how Bloom learned his amazing combat and tactical skills, which are basically the crux of the movie (he knows enough to expertly defend a city from siege). Bloom’s character also holds views about religion that seem very politically correct from a modern standpoint, but I’m pretty sure never existed 900 years ago. In addition, the resolution at the end of the movie is weak sauce, leaving no positive feeling.
Other reviews I’ve read herald this movie for the neat battle scenes, and I can honestly say that they are probably the only good points of an otherwise forgettable action film. My advice is to skip this one.
Comments
chalupa wrote on :
those are pretty much the comments i've heard...only they didn't go into as much detail. i might put this on my netflix lists - however - it's already 200 long so who knows when i'd get to it. thanks for the review man.
Matt M. wrote on :
Yo, you wanna maybe mark spoilers, biotch?
soulman wrote on :
here's a spoiler for you: THE MOVIE SUCKS ASS!
Nate wrote on :
Maybe I did go into a bit too much detail, but c'mon. You know the hero is going to live happily ever after, so I don't think I gave away much there. And leading up to that was only the basic gist of the plot. You watchin' this drivel for the story, boy? 'Cos I sure ain't. Maybe next time I'll just say, "This movie was good!" or "This movie was horrible and stilted like my English conversation classes!" and be done with it.
Laura wrote on :
Thanks, I probably wouldn't have seen this anyway because Orlando Bloom stinks and most medieval/Dark Ages/whatever-type movies they come out with these days have retarded modern storylines (see: King Arthur). On an unrelated note, the Chronicles of Narnia movie looks shweet.
Matt M. wrote on :
"However, I guess skill in directing sci-fi doesn't transfer in a 1:1 ratio to directing medieval war flicks."
So are you telling me that Gladiator sucked ass? Because that's not true at all. I'm going to see this movie simply because Christians kill Muslims. I could care less about the story, actually, and I was just giving you shit, Nate.
Oh, and Chronicles of Narnia is raping everyone's childhood, if you didn't see that already. ;_;